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Sweet, Loving Wife Transforms Home Into Demented House Of Horrors Every October (babylonbee.com) 10/21/2021 01:00 PM

HILLSBORO, TX—Local sweet, loving wife Kaylee Davis loves to make her family's home a place of refuge for her husband and kids after their long days at work and school, respectively. She hangs signs reading "Live, Laugh, Love," lights lots of nice-smelling candles, and puts up approximately four hundred crosses on the walls. 

The post Sweet, Loving Wife Transforms Home Into Demented House Of Horrors Every October appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

Economists Confirm We Got No Food, No Jobs, Pets' Heads Are Falling Off (babylonbee.com) 10/21/2021 01:21 PM

U.S.—Economists are warning that on its current trajectory, the U.S. will have no food, no jobs, and our pets' heads will soon be falling off. As the supply crisis worsens and Americans are still refusing to return to work, concerns have been raised that our pets—whether dogs, cats, or parakeets—will soon find their heads are falling off.

The post Economists Confirm We Got No Food, No Jobs, Pets' Heads Are Falling Off appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

Finally: San Francisco To Require Proof Of Vaccination To Poop On The Sidewalk (babylonbee.com) 10/21/2021 01:05 PM

SAN FRANCISCO, CA—People just pooping willy-nilly on the sidewalk in San Francisco has been a long-time problem, and City Hall is finally taking action. Now they will require proof of vaccination before people can use the sidewalk as a restroom.

The post Finally: San Francisco To Require Proof Of Vaccination To Poop On The Sidewalk appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

Sad: Supply Chain Issues Prevent Teen Farmer From Picking Up Power Converters At Tosche Station (babylonbee.com) 10/21/2021 05:44 PM

ANCHORHEAD—Due to widespread supply chain issues plaguing the galaxy, a poor teen farmer boy was unable to acquire power converters at Tosche Station, sources on the outer rim planet confirmed today.

The post Sad: Supply Chain Issues Prevent Teen Farmer From Picking Up Power Converters At Tosche Station appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

Terrifying New Chinese Missile Will Fly Over U.S. Playing Dave Chappelle Special (babylonbee.com) 10/21/2021 03:49 PM

BEIJING—As the arms race between the United States and China heats up, Beijing has unveiled its deadliest weapon yet: an ICBM that can be launched through space and then fly over America playing Dave Chappelle jokes.

The post Terrifying New Chinese Missile Will Fly Over U.S. Playing Dave Chappelle Special appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

10 Signs You Accidentally Started Watching A Christian Movie (babylonbee.com) 10/21/2021 06:04 PM

Brought to you by:

The post 10 Signs You Accidentally Started Watching A Christian Movie appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

Church Interrupts Worship For Brief Message From Satan (babylonbee.com) 10/21/2021 06:16 PM

The post Church Interrupts Worship For Brief Message From Satan appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

King James Only Pastor Leads Congregation In Chant Of 'Knoweth Joe Biden!' (babylonbee.com) 10/22/2021 12:21 PM

CACTUS HILL, AZ—Pastor Fred Wilkinson, a King James-only pastor in a rural Arizona town, reportedly leads his congregation in a chant every Sunday morning, wanting to join in on the 'F--- Joe Biden' chant trend sweeping through sports games, concerts, and churches across the country. 

The post King James Only Pastor Leads Congregation In Chant Of 'Knoweth Joe Biden!' appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

Outdated Stand-Up Comedy Replaced With Stand-Up Scolding (babylonbee.com) 10/22/2021 01:43 PM

U.S.—After the terrorist attack of October 5th — the release of Dave Chappelle’s The Closer — many progressives have questioned the whole concept of stand-up comedy.

The post Outdated Stand-Up Comedy Replaced With Stand-Up Scolding appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

Perfectly Good Brownies Ruined By Last-Minute Addition Of Walnuts (babylonbee.com) 10/22/2021 04:05 PM

AUSTIN, TX—According to sources at the Landon household, a batch of brownies being whipped up by Mrs. Heather Landon was completely ruined by the last-minute addition of walnuts. Landon had painstakingly whipped up the dough, or however it is you make brownies. She had added flour, eggs (?), and whatever else you add to brownie mix. Her husband walked by and said, "Mmmm, brownies! Yes! Can't wait!" and gave her a low-five. But then, something horrible happened: she added walnuts to the mix before pouring it into the pan and baking it. "NOOOOO!!!" screamed her husband, diving to stop her, but it was too late. "Perfection ruined! You might as well have added a mustache to the Mona Lisa!" At publishing time, Landon had added raisins to a batch of chocolate chip cookies.

The post Perfectly Good Brownies Ruined By Last-Minute Addition Of Walnuts appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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