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White House: 95% Of Federal Workforce In Compliance With Vaccine Mandate (www.theonion.com) 11/24/2021 02:37 PM

The White House has announced that 95% of the federal workforce is in compliance with the Biden administration’s vaccine mandate, with 90% of the 3.5 million federal workers already vaccinated and 5% submitting approved or pending exemption applications. What do you think?

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Man With No Friends Plans Makeshift Friendsgiving With Family Members Instead (www.theonion.com) 11/24/2021 12:55 PM

CENTERVILLE, OH—Hoping to salvage the holiday with a low-key get together, friendless man Clark Adams was reportedly making plans Wednesday for a makeshift Friendsgiving with family. “It’s not my first choice, but I don’t really want to spend the holiday alone, so I’ll see if I can throw something together with my…

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Serta Recalls 200,000 Mercy Killing Pillows (www.theonion.com) 11/24/2021 08:00 AM

DORAVILLE, GA—Acknowledging its culpability in a recent series of botched euthanasia attempts, international bedding giant Serta expressed remorse Wednesday and issued a recall for 200,000 of the company’s mercy killing pillows. “We wish to apologize to customers who were unable to put a loved one out of their misery…

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Friend Crashing In Guest Room Hopes He Can Return Favor When Host’s Marriage Implodes (www.theonion.com) 11/26/2021 08:00 AM

WESTPORT, CT—In the midst of a divorce and grateful to have had a friend’s guest room to crash in for the past couple months, local man Nate Suarez told reporters Friday that he hoped he would be able to return the favor when his host Mark Durden’s marriage imploded. “I really appreciate him helping me out while I…

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Friendship Buckles Under Strain Of Single Sincere Moment (www.theonion.com) 11/24/2021 08:00 AM

NASHUA, NH—Indicating that the unfortunate occurrence had done irreparable damage, sources confirmed Friday that the friendship between local men Ben Cowsill and Jared Leon had buckled under the strain of a single sincere moment. Reports maintained that despite knowing one another for nearly 20 years, Cowsill and Leon…

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Family Saving Time This Thanksgiving By Making Oak Dining Table Day Before (www.theonion.com) 11/24/2021 08:00 AM

WALDORF, MD—Vowing not to repeat the same mistakes of years past, sources confirmed Wednesday that the Stanchfield family was saving time this Thanksgiving by making their oak dining table the day before. “Grandma insists it’s better fresh, but making everything ahead this year is going to save a whole lot of stress,”…

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Al Roker Reminds Macy’s Parade Viewers All The Balloons They See Today Are Up For Adoption (www.theonion.com) 11/25/2021 08:00 AM

NEW YORK—Cheerfully presenting the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade alongside Hoda Kotb and Savannah Guthrie, Al Roker reminded viewers Thursday that all the balloons they see during the broadcast are currently up for adoption. “Today isn’t just about entertainment, it’s also about showing compassion for these gentle,…

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The Onion Reviews 'Licorice Pizza' (www.theonion.com) 11/24/2021 11:09 AM

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Lions Fan Praying Players Start Protesting Police Brutality Or Something So He Can Stop Watching (www.theonion.com) 11/25/2021 12:30 PM

NOVI, MI—Carefully scrutinizing the athletes lining up before the national anthem, Detroit Lions fan Greg Burnett was reportedly praying Thursday that the players start protesting police brutality or something so he could stop watching. “Christ, is it too much to ask some backup defensive back to take a knee against…

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Americans Celebrate Thanksgiving (www.theonion.com) 11/25/2021 08:00 AM

All across the nation, families and loved ones are gathering to celebrate the Thanksgiving holiday. What are you thankful for this year?

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Nation Nearly Strings Together 3 Good Days In Row (www.theonion.com) 11/26/2021 08:00 AM

WASHINGTON—Snapping their fingers and hanging their heads in disappointment, the nation confirmed Friday that they nearly strung together three good days in a row. “Oh shucks, just a few more hours there and we would have had a hat trick,” said Andrew Heitzman, one of 330 millions visibly downcast Americans who loudly…

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Worst Ways Amazon Exploits Workers During Black Friday (www.theonion.com) 11/26/2021 08:00 AM

No one knows why Amazon randomly generates tremors throughout its fulfillment centers, only that you’re not getting paid for re-shelving 10,000 square feet of sneakers.

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Conservationist Breaks Down Sobbing While Going Through Old Box Of Extinct Species’ Things (www.theonion.com) 11/26/2021 08:00 AM

HUESCA, SPAIN—After he choked up at the mere sight of the plastic tub tucked away in the back of his closet, sources confirmed Friday that local wildlife conservationist Juan Morales broke down in sobs as he went through a box of things that once belonged to the extinct Pyrenean ibex. “Oh God, I still miss that…

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Good News RPG Fans: We’re All Constantly Playing Some Kind Of Role No Matter What (www.theonion.com) 11/24/2021 12:00 PM

Get excited, RPG fans, because we’ve got some good news for you. It turns out that as human beings living in a modern society, we’re all playing some kind of role, no matter what. In fact, that seems to be the basic human condition!

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Thanksgiving Guests Freeze In Disbelief After Teenager Informs Them Of Native American Genocide (www.theonion.com) 11/25/2021 08:00 AM

SUDBURY, MA—Their forks clattering to the table mere moments after the 16-year-old’s sudden announcement, Thanksgiving guests at the Ross family dinner reportedly froze in disbelief Thursday after teenage son Ryan informed them of the genocide of Native Americans. “No, no, it can’t be! Not my precious holiday!” said…

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Biden To Release 5-Gallon Plastic Can Of Gas From U.S. Oil Reserves (www.theonion.com) 11/24/2021 11:50 AM

WASHINGTON—In an effort to stabilize rising fuel prices, President Joe Biden announced Wednesday he would order the Energy Department to release a five-gallon plastic can of gasoline from the nation’s Strategic Petroleum Reserves. “By tapping this emergency stockpile, we can ensure that if the American people run out…

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Amazon To Let Warehouse Employees’ Families Work Thanksgiving Shifts Too (www.theonion.com) 11/25/2021 08:00 AM

SEATTLE—In response to criticism about the company’s holiday schedules, Amazon announced Thursday that it would let warehouse employees work alongside their family members this Thanksgiving. “Opening up our fulfillment centers to the spouses and children of workers will help us better represent the generosity of the…

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Heartwarming Gravy Donation Drive (www.theonion.com) 11/24/2021 10:40 AM

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Stouffer’s Targets People Spending Thanksgiving Alone With New Single-Serve Frozen Family (www.theonion.com) 11/25/2021 08:00 AM

ROSSLYN, VA—In an effort to better serve customers who weren’t invited to or hosting holiday meals, Stouffer’s targeted people spending Thanksgiving alone Thursday with a new single-serve frozen family. “Our single-serve frozen families offer a convenient and intimate Thanksgiving solution for those who might…

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World Chess Championship Forced To Use Salt Shaker After Losing Bishop (www.theonion.com) 11/24/2021 08:00 AM

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Things You Should Never Say At Thanksgiving Dinner (www.theonion.com) 11/25/2021 08:00 AM

Besides food, there’s nothing Americans love more than sitting down and spewing their most inflammatory opinions. Here are several things you should never say at the Thanksgiving dinner table.

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Baker Mayfield Struggling To Tune Out Booing Progressive Fans On Commercial Set (www.theonion.com) 11/24/2021 08:00 AM

LOS ANGELES—Blasting them for the constant noise while his team was trying to deliver their lines, Baker Mayfield admitted Wednesday that he was struggling to tune out the booing of Progressive fans on his commercial set. “Look, I’m going out there every day knowing I’m doing my best, and I’m trying not to let their…

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What To Watch This Thanksgiving Weekend (www.theonion.com) 11/24/2021 03:49 PM

Don’t know what to watch? Christ, what a sad problem. You’re pathetic. The Onion is here to uplift your miserable existence with recommendations for what to watch this long Thanksgiving weekend.

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The Onion’s Winter 2021 Movie Preview (www.theonion.com) 11/24/2021 08:00 AM

While the coronavirus pandemic rages on, big-budget sequels and Oscar hopefuls are among the films hitting American movie screens through the rest of the year. The Onion highlights the most anticipated films of winter 2021.

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Experimental, Iconoclastic Ballerina Stomps Around, Falls On Ass A Bunch (www.theonion.com) 11/26/2021 08:00 AM

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