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Composer Surrounded By Discarded Sheet Music Suddenly Perks Up At Sound Of Rhythm Of The City (www.theonion.com) 10/21/2021 12:45 PM

NEW YORK—Sprawling on the floor of his cramped studio apartment surrounded by crumpled-up sheet music, composer Lee Watley reportedly perked up Thursday at the sound of the rhythm of the city. “I was at the point of just about giving up hope that I’d ever write anything halfway decent when I suddenly realized my toe…

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Democrats Reach Deal To Introduce Landmark Fundraising Email (www.theonion.com) 10/21/2021 12:25 PM

WASHINGTON—Hailing it as a historic agreement and a culmination of President Biden’s domestic agenda, congressional Democrats successfully reached a deal Thursday to introduce a landmark fundraising email. “We couldn’t be more thrilled to put forward this extensive, once-in-a-generation communique, which is the first…

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Experts Warn Everything That Will Happen Between Now And November 2022 Could Spell Trouble For Democrats In Midterms (www.theonion.com) 10/20/2021 12:55 PM

WASHINGTON—Stressing that literally any occurrence in the coming year might threaten the party’s fragile hold on power, political experts warned Wednesday that everything that will happen between now and November 2022 could spell trouble for Democrats in the midterms. “Unfortunately for Democrats, anything that occurs…

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House Votes To Hold Bannon In Contempt Of Congress (www.theonion.com) 10/22/2021 02:21 PM

The House of Representatives has voted to hold former Trump adviser Steve Bannon in congressional contempt for ignoring subpoenas related to the investigation into the January 6th insurrection, with the Justice Department now having to decide on the prosecution. What do you think?

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Biden Scales Down $2 Trillion Climate Plan To Single Reusable Grocery Bag (www.theonion.com) 10/20/2021 02:45 PM

WASHINGTON—Putting forth a less ambitious legislative package in an effort to secure enough votes for passage in the Senate, President Joe Biden announced Wednesday that his original $2 trillion climate plan would be replaced with a scaled-back proposal to purchase a single reusable grocery bag. “For those members of…

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Kanye West Officially Changes Name To ‘Ye’ (www.theonion.com) 10/20/2021 02:02 PM

After requesting the name change last August for “personal reasons,” rapper, producer, and fashion designer Kanye West has legally changed his name from Kanye Omari West to just Ye, with no middle or last name. What do you think?

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Crypto-Averse Man Would Prefer Investing In Traditional Stock Market He Also Doesn’t Understand (www.theonion.com) 10/22/2021 10:25 AM

FORT WORTH, TX—Dismissing the technology as a flash in the pan and doomed to fail, cryptocurrency-averse man Tim Blankenship told reporters Friday that he would prefer investing in a traditional stock market that he also doesn’t understand. “Call me old-fashioned, but I’d much rather trust my life savings with a more…

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Woman Starting Netflix Movie Horrified To Realize It TV Show (www.theonion.com) 10/21/2021 08:00 AM

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Everyday Benefits Of Ingesting Hallucinogens (www.theonion.com) 10/22/2021 11:00 AM

They’re always there, in every ripple of water and maze of branches, smiling and waiting, so you may as well know it.

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Thrift Store’s Bookshelf Has Some Pretty Solid PS2 Games (www.theonion.com) 10/22/2021 10:30 AM

PORTLAND, ME—Impressed by the wide range of genres and titles on display for Sony’s mid-aughts video games console, sources confirmed Friday that the bookshelf at local thrift store Gently Used has some pretty solid PlayStation 2 games. “Dynasty Warriors 2, Max Payne, a dust-covered copy of The Simpsons Hit & Run—

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Hint Of Sadness Detected Behind Jack-O’-Lantern’s Grin (www.theonion.com) 10/22/2021 01:24 PM

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Study: Majority Of Panic Attacks Involve Anxiety Person Knows Well (www.theonion.com) 10/22/2021 01:45 PM

BOSTON—In a major new study that examined the cases of more than 2,000 people of various ages and backgrounds, a paper published Friday in the Journal Of Behavioral Medicine found that the majority of panic attacks involved an anxiety the victim knew well. “In 92% of cases, sufferers were already acquainted with the…

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Paparazzi Spot Timothée Chalamet Lounging On Mediterranean Yacht With Mystery 1,200-Foot Sandworm (www.theonion.com) 10/22/2021 02:20 PM

SANTORINI, GREECE—After photographing the couple several miles off the coast of a secluded Greek isle, multiple paparazzi published images Friday of Dune star Timothée Chalamet lounging on a Mediterranean yacht with a mystery 1,200-foot sandworm. “Timothée rented a luxurious yacht for a vacation with his beautiful,…

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What Your Partner Is Actually Thinking During Sex (www.theonion.com) 10/21/2021 11:40 AM

Unless you are a necrophiliac, it’s only natural to wonder what your partner is thinking during intercourse. Here are several common thoughts everyone has in the bedroom.

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Details Of Biden’s Child Vaccination Plan (www.theonion.com) 10/22/2021 10:25 AM

The White House on Wednesday unveiled its plan to give 28 million U.S. children vaccinations against Covid-19. The Onion looks at the key details of Biden’s child vaccination plan.

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Diver Finds 900-Year-Old Crusader Sword Off Coast Of Israel (www.theonion.com) 10/21/2021 08:00 AM

A scuba diver has found a 900-year-old sword off the coast of Israel, likely owned by a knight during the Crusades, a set of military expeditions by Western European Christians aimed at retaking the Holy Land in the Middle East. What do you think?

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Fisher-Price Releasing Working Version Of Chatter Phone Pull Toy For Adults (www.theonion.com) 10/22/2021 08:00 AM

Fisher-Price will release a new version of its Chatter Telephone that can take real phone calls by connecting to a smartphone through Bluetooth, while keeping the original wobbly eyes, rotary dialer, and four wheels of the original 1961 child’s pull toy. What do you think?

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Move Over, Grapes: 10 Other Things You Can Stomp On To Make Something Happen (www.theonion.com) 10/21/2021 08:00 AM

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Facebook Planning To Rebrand With New Name (www.theonion.com) 10/21/2021 03:48 PM

Facebook is planning to change its company name next week to reflect its focus on building the metaverse, likely positioning the Facebook app as one of many products under a parent company, much like Google did with Alphabet in 2015. What do you think?

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iPod Turns 20 (www.theonion.com) 10/20/2021 02:08 PM

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Retired NFL Player Touts Sports Betting App As Exact Way He Went Bankrupt (www.theonion.com) 10/21/2021 02:40 PM

ORLANDO, FL—Hailing the product as a way users can get a piece of real-life action, retired NFL player Warren Sapp touted sports betting app DraftKings this week as the exact way he went bankrupt. “This is the closest you’ll ever get to being an NFL player who retires and loses all their earnings within five years,”…

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Kourtney Kardashian, Travis Barker Re-Announce Engagement In Slightly Louder Voice (www.theonion.com) 10/20/2021 01:36 PM

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Leading Fashion Icons Convene To Determine Whether Man Can Pull Off Denim Jacket (www.theonion.com) 10/21/2021 01:23 PM

MILAN—Reviewing hundreds of images of the man wearing the item while dining, running errands, and posing in front of the mirror, the world’s leading fashion icons reportedly convened Friday to determine whether Pennsylvania resident Aaron Ferris could pull off his denim jacket. “It seems to fit appropriately on his…

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Patriot Act Turns 20 (www.theonion.com) 10/20/2021 12:48 PM

The Uniting and Strengthening America by Providing Appropriate Tools Required to Intercept and Obstruct Terrorism Act of 2001, commonly known as the Patriot Act, was enacted by Congress 20 years ago. The Onion looks back at the key moments in the history of the Patriot Act.

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Millions Of Animals Migrating To North America Over Land Bridge Of Stalled Cargo Ships (www.theonion.com) 10/22/2021 03:02 PM

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