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Man Pretends To Understand G.K. Chesterton Book (babylonbee.com) 11/24/2020 12:30 PM

ONTARIO, CA—Local man Kyle Nicolay settled in with a men's group to read some G.K. Chesterton this week.

The post Man Pretends To Understand G.K. Chesterton Book appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

State Governor Frees All Drug Dealers To Provide Prison Space For Families Celebrating Thanksgiving (babylonbee.com) 11/24/2020 11:45 AM

SALEM, OR—To prepare for the influx of Thanksgiving rulebreakers, Oregon Governor Kate Brown has ordered all drug dealers to be freed from prison to make room for all the families who violate COVID restrictions. 

The post State Governor Frees All Drug Dealers To Provide Prison Space For Families Celebrating Thanksgiving appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

Just Hours After Being Placed In Cuomo's Possession, Emmy Statue Dies Of COVID (babylonbee.com) 11/24/2020 11:23 AM

NEW YORK, NY—Just hours after Governor Andrew Cuomo accepted an International Emmy for his amazing, informative, not-at-all-filled-with-propaganda COVID press briefings, his Emmy award passed away of COVID-19, sources confirmed Tuesday.

The post Just Hours After Being Placed In Cuomo's Possession, Emmy Statue Dies Of COVID appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

To Avoid Thanksgiving Restrictions, Family Having Several Clumps Of Cells Over Instead (babylonbee.com) 11/23/2020 06:22 PM

REDDING, CA—Families are wondering how to spend the holidays with their loved ones in light of state restrictions on family gatherings. One local family, dismayed that they couldn't invite the people in their family to Thanksgiving dinner, decided instead to invite their favorite clumps of cells and share a meal with them.

The post To Avoid Thanksgiving Restrictions, Family Having Several Clumps Of Cells Over Instead appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

Hunter Biden Arrives At White House Dressed As Turkey In Hopes Of Being Pardoned By Trump (babylonbee.com) 11/23/2020 03:50 PM

WASHINGTON, DC—With Thanksgiving approaching, there is wide speculation as to whether President Trump will conduct a Turkey pardoning ceremony this year. In a last-ditch effort to clear his name, Hunter Biden made a rare appearance at the White House wearing a turkey costume in hopes that Trump would pardon him.

The post Hunter Biden Arrives At White House Dressed As Turkey In Hopes Of Being Pardoned By Trump appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

Babylon Mom: How To Be Vulnerable While Still Showing Off Your Perfect Abs (babylonbee.com) 11/23/2020 02:21 PM

Hey everyone, sorry it’s been a while since I’ve updated this blog. Life has just been crazy in our little home!

The post Babylon Mom: How To Be Vulnerable While Still Showing Off Your Perfect Abs appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

Sad: Libertarian Wants To Have Big Thanksgiving To Defy Government But No One Wants To Hang Out With Him (babylonbee.com) 11/23/2020 02:09 PM

PLYMOUTH, MI—After his state's governor banned gatherings of more than 10 people for Thanksgiving, local libertarian Paul Figgen was looking forward to boldly defying the government with a massive holiday gathering of dozens. Unfortunately, he's having a hard time finding dinner guests since no one wants to hang out with him. 

The post Sad: Libertarian Wants To Have Big Thanksgiving To Defy Government But No One Wants To Hang Out With Him appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

Effectiveness Of Masks Questioned With New Study Showing High Death Rate For Stormtroopers (babylonbee.com) 11/23/2020 01:12 PM

U.S.—Common wisdom tells us that masks slow the spread of COVID and that everyone who denies that should be burned at the stake, but a new study has brought that wisdom into question, as it shows an extremely high death rate from one of the groups most diligent about wearing masks: Stormtroopers.

The post Effectiveness Of Masks Questioned With New Study Showing High Death Rate For Stormtroopers appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

Walmart Thanks Government For Completely Obliterating Their Small Business Competition (babylonbee.com) 11/23/2020 12:18 PM

U.S.—In an open letter addressed to state officials, Walmart leadership expressed gratefulness to the government for inflating their sales and stock price while completely pulverizing their small business competition. 

The post Walmart Thanks Government For Completely Obliterating Their Small Business Competition appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

How To Survive The Coming Socialist Regime (babylonbee.com) 11/22/2020 06:15 PM

If Biden and Harris are in office, that can mean only one thing: get ready for socialism! You know these no-good socialists are gonna socialize everything in sight. That's why we compiled these helpful tips to help you prepare for the coming socialist darkness! If you follow these 10 pointers, you'll be great!

The post How To Survive The Coming Socialist Regime appeared first on The Babylon Bee.

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