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Man Waking Up Spends Few Relaxing Moments In Bed Before Remembering He’s Kevin Spacey (www.theonion.com) 06/11/2021 08:00 AM

LOS ANGELES—Luxuriating in the precious few seconds before the real world came rushing back to him, local man Kevin Spacey reportedly spent a few moments in bed relaxing Friday morning before remembering he is Kevin Spacey. “Oh, fuck, that’s right,” mumbled Spacey, who had spent the previous moments basking in the…

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U.S. To Donate 500 Million Doses Of Covid Vaccine Globally (www.theonion.com) 06/10/2021 02:02 PM

The U.S. will purchase 500 million doses of the Pfizer Covid-19 vaccine to donate to 92 low-income countries and the African Union over the next year as pressure intensifies for wealthy countries to share their surplus. What do you think?

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Man Flattered Spam Caller Believes He Has Car, House, Savings Account To Defraud (www.theonion.com) 06/10/2021 02:35 AM

HOUSTON—Pleased by the scammer’s presumption that he had a net worth greater than zero, local man Connor Franklin told reporters he was flattered that the spam caller he spoke with Thursday appeared to believe the 31-year-old had a car, house, and savings account to be defrauded of. “It was so kind of him to give me…

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Keystone XL Pipeline Project Officially Terminated (www.theonion.com) 06/11/2021 03:44 PM

The developer of the Keystone XL Pipeline has announced it is abandoning the controversial $8 billion project after the Biden administration revoked a key cross-border permit in January, marking a major win for environmentalists. What do you think?

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5 Things To Know About The New FDA-Approved Alzheimer Drug (www.theonion.com) 06/10/2021 09:03 AM

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Judge Overturns Assault Weapons Ban, Likens AR-15 To Swiss Army Knife (www.theonion.com) 06/10/2021 08:00 AM

A California federal judge has overturned the state’s 32-year-old ban on assault weapons, likening the AR-15 to a Swiss army knife that could be used “for both home and battle.” What do you think?

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Environmentalism Win: For Every PS5 Sold, Sony Will Plant A PS4 In The Amazon Rainforest (www.theonion.com) 06/11/2021 12:10 PM

There’s nothing better than watching corporations use their powers for good, so we’re happy to report that Sony is putting their money where their mouth is when it comes to environmentalism with a new announcement: For every PS5 they sell, they will plant a PS4 in the Amazon Rainforest.

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Community Places Candles, Flowers Atop Spot Where Cyclist Currently Bleeding Out (www.theonion.com) 06/10/2021 12:00 PM

SEATTLE—Coming together to pay tribute to the 27-year-old in a manner they felt would honor him best, community members of the Capitol Hill neighborhood reportedly gathered for a vigil Thursday where they placed candles and flowers atop the spot where cyclist Jeremy Samson was currently bleeding out. “God, it’s so…

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Former High School Classmates Hold Summit At Local Bar To Resume Multilateral Shit Talks (www.theonion.com) 06/11/2021 12:35 PM

EVANSTON, IL—The high-level meetings having been triggered by a quorum of participants returning to their hometown for a visit, sources confirmed a group of former high school classmates convened at a local bar Friday to resume their longstanding series of multilateral shit talks. “Motion to pick up where we left off…

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Thrilled BlackRock Announces Purchase Of 800,000th Dream Home (www.theonion.com) 06/11/2021 12:32 PM

FRANKLIN, TN—Gushing that they never imagined they would find a dwelling that fit all their needs and desires, thrilled investment firm BlackRock reportedly announced Friday the purchase of its 800,000th dream home. “We’ve always wanted to own a 475,000th home with granite countertops and a big backyard, and we’re…

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Over 2 Million Left Brain-Dead In Most Brutal Day Of Culture Wars Yet (www.theonion.com) 06/11/2021 12:45 PM

WASHINGTON—With casualties in the ruthless conflict continuing to mount, sources confirmed more than 2 million Americans were left brain-dead Friday during the most brutal day yet in the nation’s online culture wars. “As the opposing camps exchange countless rounds of vapid tweets, shallow think pieces, and…

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Psychiatrists Recommend Serial Killers Get Out Feelings With Taunting Letter To Investigators That They Never Send (www.theonion.com) 06/11/2021 01:34 PM

WASHINGTON—Calling the method a convenient way to air negative emotions without embarrassing consequences, the American Psychiatric Association recommended Friday that serial killers try getting out their feelings by writing taunting letters to investigators without ever sending them. “Whenever a serial killer feels…

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HR Improves Company Morale By Giving Employees Constant Stream Of Dumbass Bullshit To Mock (www.theonion.com) 06/11/2021 01:50 PM

AUSTIN, TX—Providing workers with an opportunity for some lighthearted fun, the human resources department of local ad agency Milner-Ferraro reportedly improved company morale by giving employees a constant stream of dumbass bullshit to mock, sources confirmed Friday. “It can be a bit of a grind here sometimes, so…

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Pfizer Announces Breakthrough Medication That Will Treat Executives To New Chalet In Swiss Alps (www.theonion.com) 06/10/2021 01:50 PM

NEW YORK—Describing the new pharmaceutical as a revolution in the biomedical field, Pfizer announced Thursday a breakthrough medication that would treat executives to a new chalet in the Swiss alps. “What makes Execupril such a game-changer is that it finally gives hope to the executive community who have felt despair…

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Most Shocking UFO Sightings Throughout History (www.theonion.com) 06/11/2021 11:00 AM

Whether you believe in aliens or not, humans have reported terrifying encounters with unidentified flying objects since the dawn of time. Here are some of the most shocking sightings that The Onion has sourced from historical records.

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Man Shopping For Bowling Shoe That Can Also Be Worn To Funerals, Weddings (www.theonion.com) 06/10/2021 12:00 PM

EAU CLAIRE, WI—Browsing for something that was both classy and versatile, local man Ron Schneider was shopping for a bowling shoe Thursday that could also be worn to funerals and weddings. “I don’t want to have a closet full of shoes, but I also need something nice enough to bowl in,” said Schneider, who examined a…

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Tips For Writing A Graduation Speech (www.theonion.com) 06/11/2021 10:45 AM

Graduation season is upon us, and anyone who’s sat through one of those fucking interminable things knows that graduation speeches can make or break an event. The Onion offers tips for writing a memorable graduation speech.

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Man Emerges From Pandemic With Spine Contorted Into Full 360-Degree Loop (www.theonion.com) 06/10/2021 09:33 AM

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Illinois Restaurants Reopen At 95% Capacity After Factoring In Quarantine Weight Gain (www.theonion.com) 06/11/2021 10:43 AM

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‘Missing Something, James?’ Cackles Rockets GM Holding Harden’s Hamstring (www.theonion.com) 06/10/2021 08:00 AM

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Turkey Plagued By Largest Outbreak Of ‘Sea Snot’ On Record (www.theonion.com) 06/11/2021 08:00 AM

Turkey’s Marmara Sea is experiencing the largest ever outbreak of “sea snot,” a slimy layer of mucilage caused by rising temperatures and algae overloaded with pollutants, threatening marine life and risking a possible disease outbreak. What do you think?

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An Uncomfortable Truth: Jerusalem’s Prominence In ‘Assassin’s Creed’ Means It Is Undeniably A Holy Site For Gamers As Well (www.theonion.com) 06/10/2021 08:00 AM

You don’t have to be an expert in the Middle East to know that the conversation around the Israel-Palestine crisis is changing, gamers. In the wake of the violence that broke out in Gaza a few weeks ago, there has been a renewed debate over who gets to claim Jerusalem as their own. Well, after seeing all this…

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E3 Fans Will Love This: The G7 Summit (www.theonion.com) 06/11/2021 08:00 AM

Holy cow, E3 is almost here, and we couldn’t be more pumped for the flood of previews, sneak peaks, and mind-blowing announcements that are about to hit the gaming community. But if you don’t feel satisfied gamers, we’re here to give E3 fans even more to love: Something called the G7 summit is happening, and it looks…

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White House Press Flight Delayed After Biden Gets Into Plane’s Engine (www.theonion.com) 06/09/2021 03:55 PM

WASHINGTON—Calling the incident a minor hiccup and saying the European trip would continue as planned, the White House was reportedly forced to delay a press flight Wednesday after President Joe Biden got into the plane’s engine. “As soon as we remove the president from the turbine, we should be able to proceed as…

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Console Wars Gone Too Far? Microsoft Just Claimed That Xbox Is Better Than Playstation (www.theonion.com) 06/13/2021 09:00 AM

Looks like the console wars are heating up again, and this already tense conflict has just accelerated to a whole new level after an E3 presentation in which Microsoft claimed that “Xbox is better than PlayStation.” It’s a reckless escalation of hostilities that makes us question whether these relentless wars have…

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