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CDC Shuts Down Thanksgiving Travel By Carrying Out Simultaneous Attacks On All Of Nation’s Airports, Train Stations (www.theonion.com) 11/24/2020 09:20 AM

ATLANTA—Stressing that staying home this year had become far and away the safest option available, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention shut down Thanksgiving travel this week by carrying out major terrorist attacks on all of the nation’s airports and trains stations. “We understand the temptation to travel…

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Health Department Adds Steps To Heimlich Maneuver Poster Where Choking Victim Finishes Food They Coughed Up (www.theonion.com) 11/24/2020 09:10 AM

WASHINGTON—Acknowledging the update was long overdue, the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services announced Tuesday it had added new steps to the Heimlich maneuver poster so it would include the part where choking victims finished eating the food they had coughed up. “We’re now formally advising…

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Facts Carefully Redacted From Travel Story To Avoid Revealing It Mission Trip (local.theonion.com) 11/24/2020 09:00 AM

NEW YORK—Withholding any details that would betray the religious nature of the excursion abroad, local woman Catherine Angelos carefully redacted a travel story Tuesday to avoid revealing to friends that her purported vacation was actually a church mission trip. “Oh, yeah, I had an awesome time in Guatemala,” said the…

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‘Toy Story’ Turns 25 (www.theonion.com) 11/24/2020 08:40 AM

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Report: At Least Flight Home To Be Little Less Crowded (local.theonion.com) 11/24/2020 08:38 AM

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Giuliani Wheels Straitjacket-Wearing Trump Into Courtroom In Bid To Win Election With Insanity Defense (www.theonion.com) 11/24/2020 08:37 AM

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Anti-Jacketers Rally Outside Burlington Coat Factory To Protest Liberal Cold Weather Conspiracy (www.theonion.com) 11/24/2020 08:34 AM

Hear why members of the growing movement are calling cold weather nothing more than a leftist hoax made up to force Americans into thick down layers.

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Fauci Says Santa Immune To Coronavirus (www.theonion.com) 11/24/2020 08:26 AM

Leading infectious disease expert Dr. Anthony Fauci told USA TODAY that Santa Claus has an innate immunity to Covid-19 and cannot spread infection to others. What do you think?

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Chris Christie Calls Trump’s Legal Team A ‘National Embarrassment’ (www.theonion.com) 11/23/2020 03:55 PM

Former New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie said on Sunday that Trump should concede the election as his lawyers have failed to provide any evidence of fraud and that their conduct “has been a national embarrassment.” What do you think?

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Historians Say That First Thanksgiving Wasn’t Total Fuckfest That’s Taught In Schools (www.theonion.com) 11/23/2020 03:25 PM

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Urging the nation to keep the event’s actual history in mind, researchers at Harvard University issued a reminder Monday that the first Thanksgiving was not actually the total fuckfest typically taught in schools. “Traditionally, we think of the first Thanksgiving as an occasion that brought together the…

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‘Daddy, I’m Hungry!’ Says 27-Year-Old Bursting Into Background Of Father's Video Conference (local.theonion.com) 11/23/2020 01:30 PM

SEATTLE—Sprinting through the office door and leaping onto his stunned father’s lap, 27-year-old Dennis Radomir loudly announced “Daddy, I’m hungry” Monday as he burst into the background of a work-related video conference. “Daddy, Daddy, my tummy is grumbling, please can I have my yum yums now,” whined the fully grown…

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Biden Announces Secretary Of Health And Human Services Will Be Ring Of Diverse Children Holding Hands (www.theonion.com) 11/23/2020 12:55 PM

WASHINGTON—Calling the cabinet choice a “perfect symbol of unity,” President-elect Joe Biden announced at a press conference Monday that his administration’s Secretary of Health and Human Services nominee would be a ring of diverse children holding hands. “Starting January 20, the Department of Health and Human…

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Mom Explains New Wildly Ill-Informed Measures To Keep Family Safe During Thanksgiving (www.theonion.com) 11/23/2020 12:30 PM

HOLLYWOOD, FL—Calling her dinner plan “foolproof” despite varying significantly from recommendations issued by the CDC, area mother Jill Elliott explained several new, wildly ill-informed measures Monday to keep her family safe during Thanksgiving. “I’ve been doing my research, and I think if I sit the whole family at…

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New Covid Cases Expected To Level Off As Trend Line Reaches Top Of Graph (www.theonion.com) 11/23/2020 12:06 PM

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Coronavirus Optimistic New Mutation Will Be Widely Available To Public By Early Spring (www.theonion.com) 11/23/2020 12:00 PM

SIOUX FALLS, SD—In a major breakthrough that could completely alter the course of the global pandemic, the coronavirus confirmed Monday that it was optimistic a new mutation would be widely available to the public by early spring. “We’ve been working diligently over the past nine months to develop this new strain as…

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Deal Alert: The Quantity Of Raw Plastic And Silicon That Makes Up An Xbox Series X Can Be Yours For Just $8.27 (ogn.theonion.com) 11/23/2020 11:10 AM

Whoa-ho-ho, gamers, looks like the deal of the year has been staring us in the face all along! After getting off the phone with a representative at DuPont, it turns out that 9.8 pounds of silicon and plastic is way more affordable than we assumed, meaning you can own the quantity of materials that make up an Xbox…

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How To Cook A Perfect Thanksgiving Turkey (www.theonion.com) 11/23/2020 08:32 AM

First, plug it into your USB port and download the necessary drivers.

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Monsanto Lab On Lockdown After Scientists Find Shattered Tomato Containment Unit (www.theonion.com) 11/23/2020 08:29 AM

Hear why Monsanto authorities are still struggling to apprehend the tomato due to it’s unusual size and strength.

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Pope Francis’ Instagram Likes Photo Of Bikini Model (www.theonion.com) 11/23/2020 08:05 AM

The Vatican is launching an investigation after Pope Francis’s Instagram account, which is managed by a team of people, liked a photo of Brazilian model Natalia Garibotto. What do you think?

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Area Dad Knew That Play Would Never Work (sports.theonion.com) 11/22/2020 02:30 PM

NEW KENSINGTON, PA—Groaning and pounding his fists on the side of the couch as running back James Conner was tackled for a short two-yard gain, area dad Joseph Mitchem announced during Sunday’s Steelers game that he knew that play would never work. “Jesus Christ, how stupid can you be. They run this fuckin’ play a…

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Buzzfeed To Acquire HuffPost (www.theonion.com) 11/20/2020 03:25 PM

Buzzfeed announced plans Thursday to buy news and commentary website HuffPost from Verizon Media, which will become a minority shareholder of the company. What do you think?

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Crab Always Gets Little Thrill Crawling Over Bleached Skeleton Of Pirate On Secluded Beach (local.theonion.com) 11/20/2020 03:04 PM

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Nation Can’t Believe They Spent So Long Overlooking Obvious Solution Of mRNA Instructions For Spike Protein Encapsulated In Lipid Nanoparticle (www.theonion.com) 11/20/2020 02:10 PM

NEW YORK—Shaking their heads in amazement at their failure to see what had been staring them in the face during the entire pandemic, the nation expressed disbelief Friday that they had spent so long overlooking the obvious solution of encapsulating the mRNA instructions for a coronavirus-based spike protein in a…

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FDA Delays Emergency Vaccine Approval Until They Finish Evaluating New Bagged Salad Kit (www.theonion.com) 11/20/2020 01:30 PM

WASHINGTON—Clarifying that the federal agency would take a look at Pfizer’s submission eventually, the FDA announced Friday that it would delay the emergency coronavirus vaccine approval until they were finished evaluating a bagged salad kit. “We understand how important it is to get this vaccine to Americans as soon…

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