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Democrat Reassures Friend This One Of The Good Syrian Airstrikes (local.theonion.com) 02/26/2021 04:40 PM

CHICAGO—Following a report Friday that Joe Biden’s first military action as president had killed at least 22 people at sites used by Iranian-backed fighters, local registered Democrat Tim Randall was overheard reassuring a friend that this was one of the good Syrian airstrikes. “No, no, don’t worry—these are the…

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Parliamentarian Cuts Minimum Wage From Stimulus Due To Obscure Rule Requiring Poor Citizens To Needlessly Suffer (politics.theonion.com) 02/26/2021 03:40 PM


WASHINGTON—Citing the long-standing practice of maintaining boundaries between the classes, Senate Parliamentarian Elizabeth MacDonough asked Democrats to cut a minimum wage increase from their stimulus package Friday due to an obscure rule requiring poor citizens to needlessly suffer. “Raising the minimum wage would…

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Biden Comforts Families Of Syrian Airstrike Victims With Eloquent Speech On Living With Heartbreaking Loss (politics.theonion.com) 02/26/2021 02:50 PM

WASHINGTON—Acting in his unofficial role as “consoler-in-chief,” President Joe Biden took some time Friday to comfort the families of those lost in yesterday’s airstrike with an eloquent speech on the challenges of living with heartbreaking loss. “Take it from me, folks, I know just how difficult it is to have those…

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Israel Criticized For Denying Palestinians Spare Vaccines (www.theonion.com) 02/26/2021 02:04 PM

With reportedly half its population already vaccinated, Israel is being criticized for sending excess coronavirus vaccines to the country’s allies while pledging only 5,000 doses to the millions of Palestinians living in Israeli-occupied territories. What do you think?

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New Gym Member Already Seeing Positive Coronavirus Test Results (local.theonion.com) 02/26/2021 11:59 AM

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Doctors Reassure Tiger Woods That You Don’t Have To Be In Good Physical Condition To Play Golf (sports.theonion.com) 02/26/2021 11:55 AM

LOS ANGELES—Gathering around the athlete’s bed to deliver the news of his prognosis, doctors at Harbor-UCLA Medical Center reportedly reassured Tiger Woods Friday that you don’t have to be in good physical condition to play golf. “Mr. Woods, you’ve sustained some serious damage to your lower extremities, but you’ll…

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Goals Of Biden Administration Reviewing U.S. Supply Chains (politics.theonion.com) 02/26/2021 10:10 AM

President Biden on Tuesday announced he will sign an executive order calling for a sweeping review of American supply chain infrastructure amid what many say is a growing crisis. The Onion looks at the goals of the Biden administration reviewing U.S. supply chains.

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Chivalrous Snake Offers His Skin To Shivering Date (www.theonion.com) 02/26/2021 08:00 AM

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Pakistan Deploys Rollerblading Police Unit (www.theonion.com) 02/26/2021 07:45 AM

Police in Pakistan’s capital have deployed an armed rollerblading unit to curb theft and harassment, clarifying that the officers would only carry smaller handguns to avoid the risk of ricocheting bullets. What do you think?

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Hockey Hall Of Fame Debuts Interactive Exhibit Letting Fans Play With Game-Used Teeth (sports.theonion.com) 02/26/2021 07:30 AM

TORONTO—In an effort to attract a younger audience by encouraging them to “reach out and touch” pieces of NHL history, the Hockey Hall Of Fame debuted an interactive exhibit Friday allowing fans to play with game-used teeth. “We’ve collected everyone’s molars from Bobby Orr to Chris Pronger, so fans can relive some of…

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City’s Little Italy Now Down To Single Meatball (www.theonion.com) 02/25/2021 04:00 PM

CHICAGO—Reflecting on the once-bustling neighborhood that had been significantly reduced over the years, local residents confirmed Thursday that all that now remained of the city’s Little Italy was a single meatball. “Back when I was growing up, the area stretched for a few blocks at least, and there were dozens of…

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The Biggest Snubs From The 2021 NBA All-Star Game (sports.theonion.com) 02/25/2021 03:25 PM

Like clockwork every year dozens of deserving NBA stars get snubbed while useless, washed-up stars like Kevin Durant and LeBron James coast in on reputation alone. Here are Onion Sports’ biggest snubs from the 2021 NBA All-Star Game.

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Frustrated Coronavirus Not Sure What More It Can Change About Self To Get With Vaccinated Grandmother (www.theonion.com) 02/25/2021 03:15 PM

DES MOINES, IA—Pining after a woman it acknowledged it might never have, a frustrated coronavirus particle told reporters Thursday it was not sure how much more it could change about itself to get with local grandmother Beverly Milfay, who received her second dose of a Covid vaccine earlier this month. “I feel like…

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This Murderer Was Released From Prison Or Something, We Don’t Remember. We’ve Got A Lot Going On In Our Personal Lives, So Some Things Just Get Sort Of Jumbled Sometimes, Sorry (www.theonion.com) 02/25/2021 03:09 PM

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Florida GOP Introduces Ballotless Voting In Disenfranchised Communities (politics.theonion.com) 02/25/2021 02:10 PM

TALLAHASSEE, FL—In an effort to streamline the state’s electoral process, Florida Republicans introduced a new bill to the legislature Thursday that would establish ballotless voting in disenfranchised communities. “We’ve eliminated the complex and insecure process of casting a ballot so that voters from underserved…

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More Americans Identifying As LGBTQ (www.theonion.com) 02/25/2021 02:00 PM

A Gallup poll found that 5.6% of U.S. adults identify as LGBTQ, a 1% increase over three years that’s mostly attributed to younger Americans, with 1 in 6 Gen Z adults identifying as LGBTQ. What do you think?

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NASA Welcomes Litter Of Mars Rovers After Successful Breeding Of Perseverance, Curiosity (www.theonion.com) 02/25/2021 01:30 PM

PASADENA, CA—Proudly announcing the arrival of the newest additions to the NASA family, top officials at the U.S. space agency welcomed a litter of Mars rovers Thursday after successfully breeding Perseverance with Curiosity. “We’re happy to report that Perseverance gave birth to 12 healthy, bouncing baby rovers early…

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Mom Moves In For Kill After Spotting Child’s Shirt Tag Sticking Out (local.theonion.com) 02/25/2021 10:55 AM

COLUMBUS, OH—Eyes locked in on the child as she carefully approached her prey, local mother Francesca Shepherd had reportedly moved in for the kill Thursday after spotting her 5-year-old daughter’s shirt tag sticking out. According to observers, Shepherd padded silently across the carpet with the precision and killer…

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How To Prevent Future Pandemics (www.theonion.com) 02/25/2021 08:52 AM

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Poll Finds Almost Half Of Republicans Would Join Trump Party (www.theonion.com) 02/25/2021 08:49 AM

A Suffolk University-USA Today poll found that 46% of Republicans would abandon the political party as it is currently structured and join a new party if former President Trump was its leader. What do you think?

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FDA Approves First Single-Dunk Coronavirus Vaccine (www.theonion.com) 02/24/2021 04:56 PM

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Golden Globes Voters Pampered On ‘Emily In Paris’ Set Visit (www.theonion.com) 02/24/2021 03:16 PM

Emily in Paris producers reportedly flew Hollywood Foreign Press members to Paris for a lavish set visit that included a $1,400-per-night hotel stay, fueling skepticism around the legitimacy of the show’s award nominations. What do you think?

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Joe Manchin Claims West Virginians Too Deficient In Character, Grit To Deserve $15 Minimum Wage (politics.theonion.com) 02/24/2021 01:05 PM

WASHINGTON—Alleging that residents of his home state were just looking for a handout, Sen. Joe Manchin (D-WV) claimed Wednesday that West Virginians were too deficient in character and grit to deserve a $15 minimum wage. “Frankly, Mountain Staters have never shown the work ethic or drive necessary to merit $15 an…

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Why Texas Power Grids Failed (www.theonion.com) 02/24/2021 01:02 PM

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